Blogger's Meta Curse

Last week I attended meet up of my college alumni association's Delhi NCR chapter . It was good fun. I didn't knew many people there as most of the attendees were from batches which were 6-7 years Senior to me.though you share a generic affinity toward the Alma matter but its hard to feel the warmth toward those people whom you haven't seen around during your time in campus. Still there were few familiar faces .I was chit chatting with them and drifting through the usual drill of alumni meets . Things like Tilak, Drinks,snacks, some games and finally when enough number of folks were there we started with the formal introduction . Everyone took their turn at podium , introduced them self, shared info like batch ,branch ,hostel and took us on a sinusoidal ride along their carrier graph .Toward the end of their "concise" audio biography [some of them ] flaunted their better halves . For the record All of them were both symbolically and literally "better" in every respect other than (perhaps) good luck. 

I went through the drill and after the introduction ceremony a couple of guys walked up to me and asked

"Are you the same guy who debates a lot on our mailing list ?"
I was expecting something like that , 

" Yes . I do present my point and push them when needed." I replied.

they shook hand with me and said " It a pleasure meeting you Boss".

"I subscribe to the RSS feed of your blog .I must say your write very well. I wish I could write like that ". one of them said.

Needless to say I was happy to hear that . I was almost about to pull out my Parker pen to sign autograph when I heard following remark from him and stopped my self

"I wanted to start a blog too but I gave up the idea and deleted my Wordpress account " He continued ,

"why ?" I asked

"I had nothing substantial to share . Life is boring .I think .You would admit that you have been very lucky in some ways . I mean how many people find them self in situation like yours. you have got an interesting life . a life which offers a string of event to fuel your writing." 

I smiled with amusement .I had heard the comment before , a couple of time at some blogger's meet .sometime from my family members who read my blog. But truth is that much as I would have prefer it to be other way round there is nothing exceptionally interesting or exciting happening in my life.which is not happening to the next guy. Than why the contradiction in the observation ? why so many of YOU think that I (or any blogger or creative sort of guy ) is having a ball of time and yours is a run of the mill life.

Answer lies in what I call "Blogger's Meta Curse"

so what is this meta curse? It is a constant tear which pulls a blogger in two opposite direction. its more common amongst the blogger who (like me )write a personal blog. those of us who writes a technical or news blog are somewhat immune from it (not that it makes there job any easier or less valuable) . and reasons for this is understandable; they draw their inspiration from the event around them . those event happening around them and brought to them by other sources like RSS,press coverage ,TV,Print etc are. they act like the triggers which initiate a thought process which eventually culminates in the form of a blog post . They know where their muse is and so the go their for stimulus. 

That's a luxury a personal blogger don't enjoy. He has to extract the theme of blog post from the day today event of his life and since his day to day life is not very different from YOU . so they have no option but look at the things differently . Add their own perspective (or Twist ?) to the narration. Its that narration and not the raw detail of what actually happened, which make their writing interesting . look at some post i made recently , what were the circumstances I described in them ? Meeting your Young family member at wedding , Sitting next to a couple in cafe, finding something to deal with lonesomeness, reading an email from friend about his new born baby and finally one of the most popular post here which was result of me stumbling upon a random video on YouTube. While this perspective offers a functional value but it come with its own set of disadvantages . That's why I call it a curse. I am going to list some of these side effects below.

Alienation

One who is too wise an observer of the business of others, like one who is too curious in observing the labor of bees, will often be stung for his curiosity. 

~Alexander Pope

After 04 years of blogging about my personal life , it has become a habbit for me to see things not as it happens but as I see them happening . and the gulf is continuosly increasing. My perception of world operates on a meta level . Many a time , even when something is happening I find my self separated from situation and watching it with an amused , detached indiffrence. Mind you I am not any enlightend Buddha sort of a person , in fact each one of us have this tendency .what ? you think you don't have this ? Tell me have you ever caught looking back at your life with a detached amusement? Yes? so do I . only difference is that it has timeshifted for me . Thanks to the blogging and some other things , I can do it in real time . 

This real time meta reflection create all sort of problems.I often find my self alieniated from the surrounding . I smile at seemingly random inconsequential events for reasons which make sense to me only. I look intently to mundande acts of people . and worst of all , I search for sign of serienditpty or some cosmic pattren in every event around me . ( Just FYI I have made some good progress in that direction ;) ) . 

At time I feel that this has deprived me the ability to experience the life in first hand , first person manner . I don't look forward to rain in order to get relief from summer , I look forward to rain so that I can smell the earth ( even on my third floor apartment ,Go figure) . I don't watch Matrix for thrill of some kung fu action, I watch it to know how Wachowskis have hidden the real story under nth layer of detail(Ya Ya, I know its just a movie) and unlike crative littreary genius of past I don't drink beer to stimulate my brain I drink beer so that i can slow it down . Damn thing never stop thinking and it always want a little more of analysis . 

This overthinking create a very awkward situation when I find myself in mixed company . Few months back I was at a couchsurfing party where a Brittish lady asked me to dance with her ( hold your horses , she was 60 year of age ) . we danced on the tune of "Falling in love with you " song from UB40 .After the dance we were having drinks when she said

 " its a nice song , My favorite " 

 " Ya , Its my fave too. you know the story behined UB 40 ? " I said and without waiting for her reply I continued " its called UB 40 because members of the band meet first time at at Unemployment Beaurau Street No 40 " . 

She smiled and said "So you were thinking about UB40 while dancing . ?" 

"Well...Yes" I said .

 She laughed , pulled my cheek and said " I bet you are not vey lucky in dating "

 I smiled stupidly .

 "cute boy , Here is a tip from Mommy " She continued " Don't think too much and while you are with girl there is no need to be intelligent .it doesen't impress them much " she declared. 

I am still trying to internaliz that lesson. :-)

Efficiency Loss :

“The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public”:~ Anonymus 

For human beings Brain is the prime mover , the source of all acitivity . We navigate our way through life under the control of our brain. Our thoughts power our every action. its very intutive to extrapolate that effort putin by brain has some linear co relation with the effeciency of our action. ie More thinking, means more understanding , more accurate actions , means more full filling life . right ? Wrong . Just like all the understanding of Internal combustion Engine and Power transmission assembly won't give you an iota of advantage when you drive a car , in the same fashion all the deep philosophical thinking about the nature of universe,purpose of life , understanding of motivation of human action and other such crap won't help you make your life one bit easy. It might give you a perspective but it won't make it easy on a day to day level. This thinking thing is some thing which is done for the pleasure of persuit it self . its a very personal joy . However sicne fndametally Mind is also a machine , it gets tired at times . and sometime it get tired when you need it in REAL Life ( like at work) . this happend a lot with me. it still happenes but with a little less frequency . another aspect of this phenomena is that if you think too much about mundane things of life and share it with people around you , it can get you in trouble because 

#1 ) they can get bored and start avoiding you thus pushing you higher on your meta cloud .

#2) They might think of you as a crazy philospher ( Which might be true . Is it ??) 

#3 ) sometimes their expectation from your intellect becomes very high. 

One of the best ways to avoid this is to avoid telling your work collegue your blogging habbit. very few of my co worker follow this blog and I bet they will have a shock of their life if they ever got to read this. maintaining this kind of split personality has its own challenges but potential benifits make it worth.

Communicating with "Third Person" :

We entered a oneness of silence; words seemed the rankest superfluities. Eloquence flowed in soundless chant from heart of master to disciple.

~ Swami Paramhans Yogananda

Most of my social engagements are around the theme of Blogging , Technology, Web 2.0,Mobile,Philosophy and Beer only. I don't remeber when was the last time I attended a normal event like wedding, Birthday ,Pooja etc. Thats not my thing , I am Cool Blogger Right ? Holy shit . Here is the thing about all these events . most of the session there are boring . no better than your regular corporate power point tamasha. But some are good . I meet some of the most interesting people at these events. Almost all of my friends in delhi ncr today are due to my involvment in such meetups only. 

I have noticed a strange thing amongs many of these friends. Those friend amongst this group who are personal bloggers ,Whenever I am with them I always get a distinct feeling that though they are with me , nodding to my remark , answering my questions, laughing on my joke still they are not there. as if I am talking to a medium . real self is somewhere else .standing by the side may be.

 Lately I had a pleasure and previlage of interacting with a very talented blogger , a celebrity in making .This feeling was very clear during my interaction.There  was a third person bitween two of us. Always.That third person was aloof and observant at the same time .  I saw that third person once . We were in a car, I looked up to the ceileng and there it was , hanging up side down . watching intently . when I treid to scream it casted some hogwartian magic spell and my scream was supressed. All right ! That last part was figment of my imagination But I did saw it ,for a sec, before my car hited a bump and I was jolted back to reality.that was the moment when the core idea of Meta curse theory was born.

Anyways,I had  felt this way  few time before (with diffrent folks, some of them bloggers , some not )  everytime I got an impression that the "Third Person" don't want his existence to be acknowledged and He might be offended if I even tried to commit the transgression of attempting to contact him . That made me a little uncomfortable and concious. 

So this is for the record " As I am blogger too. If you ever feel the presence of that Third person while talking to me and if that had made you uncomfortable , than Please accept my sincere apologies" .

Epilouge :

So now you know that My life is not more intresting than your's. its just a matter of how you look and how you present the story. Purpose of this article was to share this simple fact . If you are holding back from blogging or any other creative activity because of that , than you don't have that excuse any more . go ahead give it a shot . trust me, to create something  is a very empowering experience . 

The only risk here is that of striking balance . When you live constantly on this Meta state , after a while you start enjoying it. At times this is not a good trait.specially in social setting. it makes people (specialy host) very uncomfortable .Now I am putting a concious effort to stay on the same level as the rest of the folks.If you meet me next time . do let me know if Its effective or not . 

Happy Blogging . :)

pics credit :Hugh Macleod 

Dealing with Acute Lonsomeness : A Surviver's Notes

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by Scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable Than my own meandering Experience…

~Baz Luhrmann in Sunscreen 

I am no stranger to lonesomeness. for past one and a half year I have been ALONE for most of the time .Eversince my flat mate Jitu got busy with his film making gig . I am pretty much living by myself .I  was in a relationship  but unfortunately  it fell  apart few months ago .This solitary existence played a catalytic role in withdrawl symptoms . Things were pretty bad at one point of time . Its not that I don't have friends. I have and they are dependable but calling someone over to your flat for a  drink or some philosophical babbling doesn't justify the logistical difficulty (and cost) . Ergo I stay in my cocoon . waiting for the time when I will become a " butterfly". 

I was forced to deal with this "urban loner ", "High Tech Low life " syndrome.Charles Darwin told us that In the process of evolution , humans ( mammals to be more generic ) develop some sort of equilibrium with their  surrounding .This is how life flourish .While all the biological  and ecological adaptations are gradual, natural and somewhat instinctive , same can't be stated for psychological adaptation.They are anything but INSTINCTIVE .Things are not in Black and white there. When things are inside your head you don't need to change the world you need to change your  perspective . Easier said than done . Dealing with lonesomeness  is one such thing.  

My time as a loner has tought me that Lonlinesss is not a state of world its a state of mind .with that relevation I fought back and I am still fighting back and its fucking  fun fighting it .This post is an attempt to share some of the tactics which has worked for me .I am writing them here so that you don't have to learn them hard way .so here goes .

Every Lonliness is a Pinnacle 

~Ellosworth M. Toohey In The FountainHead  

#1 Stop Mulling  Over  Your "Story"  and Start writing it :

So Whats your story so far ? Let me gues .You are someone in his /her late twenties , staying away from  parents for past 4-5 years , working with a leading software company , making a decent salary every month, You like your work but you also know that it's not world changing , you had a girl friend /boy friend but things didn't worked out , most of your friends have "other plans" everytime you call. You have some ideas for a starting a business /wrting a book / starting a project  but things are stagnated . There is an inexplicable inertia all around you  .Your parents are after your life to convince you to get married but you are waiting for your  Lady Love(or  Mr. Right ) .  Usually you put up a brave front but one sublime day When you get frustrated you ask "Why Its happening to  Me ?" . Well....there is nothing  unique about you and ....It's not "happening" to You Damn it, you are doing it to yourself . 

Mulling over your story is the worst thing you can do while facing the challenge of  lonesomeness . You can think about your college days, that trip to goa with friends, your frust crush, first kiss [if any],first heart break ,  first job and First ["insert your mental cobweb here"] . This won't help. You can think about this till Cow comes home and you will still be miserable.  Trust me  I  am speaking from experience . 

You need to understand ..what ever it was... its over .There is nothing wrong in looking back at your life once in a while and feel nostalgic but don't make it a full time job . if you keep on rewinding those memories again and again they will loose whatever little healing power they have .  and let me tell you what you are "Actually" doing . you are escaping and you are escaping to familarity .  Don't do it . Your mind need stimulus  .Go out create your new memories .explore life . what happened  till now was one chapter of a long book named Life . Now turn the fucking page and write the next ...We are looking forward to reading  it :) 

#2 Don't think you are the only one :

One of the most common misconception harbored by any loner  is that He is the only one in world going through it .  That all cosmic forces are conspiring against him . Its not like this dude (or babe) . I have some good news for you .World is full of self proclaimed victims like you  (one of the ex vetran victim is writing this blog ) . What ? You want to know where they are  ? Well I can tell you some of them are sitting in front of a computer screen right now and reading this article, like you . Rest of them log in regularly at Facebook/orkut/my space . Patient in advance stage of disease becomes bloggers and you can find teminally ill folks at slashdot .

I was reading google trend report sometime back and learned that most of the time highest  traffice laod on sites like Facebook, Orkut,Match.com ,Yahoo Chat is in late evening hours .and its consistent across Geography .  Be it india , Korea , brazil or USA  there are are people who don't have anyone to talk in evening . Take a look at this chart and see how consistently people are looking for the solution for loneliness . 

 

So how does this knowledge can help you today evening when you will be alone again ? Well First off it will have a sort of placebo effect ..you may find an irrational (and may be false) comfort of  proximity,connection  and numbers . second you can rule out the "Fate-is-conspiring -against-me" theory  ,third if like me you are thinking that Changing City-Country-Job will solve your problem than you can throw those hope away too . 

Trust me, once you clear this crap out from your head problem will look very managable . 

#3 Stop Comparing 

When We are lonely We start comparing our self to people around us. We compare and we compare stupidly some common examples are 

Situation( i ) : You see this  always smiling  guy with iPhone who flaunts it to evey girl in office and they swoon looking at the shiny toy . You look the "stardom" of guy and think "Man ! Whats the big deal.  Don't they know that iPhone Firmware had this issue  and it don't even let you access file system and there is no fucking Cut-Copy-Paste in that . My Nokia N95 is far better than it . Why don't they see Me and My N95" .  

Therotically you are right. May god give  more  Power to you  "theoretically" .  But in the mean time that "jerk" will  keep on getting  one date after another . 

Situation (ii) : You go to neighbourhood shopping mall  .you see a newly wed couple where  lady is holding (clinging) arm of  her "Hubby" while navigating   her way through the crowd .  you think "Man ! How cute. such a gesture in today's time ?What a Lucky Dog "  

Example (iii) :Your married friend seems to be having a perfect life He just got a new job and a second  car . 

Example (IV):  Someone less competent got a promotion ,while you suffer a 10% payrise .

 I can go on and on ...List is endless .

To sum up It appears to you that whole world is living in the state of blissful joy  .Like they are celbrating the second coming of christ . On the other hand in your life. its  like an eternal month "ramzan" and you are thumping your chest like rudaali . You know something ! you are stupidly selective in your observation . I was like you only before I wised up.

Solution (i) : Chances are that this "always smiling  jerk " is not that popular as it seem . Do as I say. Talk to one of those girls ..talk to them for 5 min ..Mention his name once and than wait, beat around the bush. I bet you will see the dirt .No,You will see a Cloud of dirt . A Massive explosion of  dirt . In that explosion of dirt you will see the "eternal truth"  which has always elduded the masculine of human species . " If you think that you are popular with More than one girl chances  are that you are popular with none of them ". 

So next time you see such "hot shot" .Just close your eyes imaging a huge explosion of dirt bomb . you will feel better .

Solution (ii):

Do you know that most  of the time when newly wed women do that "Cling-the-arm-in-public" stunt is   when  

•  A more Hot single chick  is passing by . it's women's code of saying " Stay Away Bitch , He is My Catch"
  
• They are wearing a sandal with pencil heel .their clinging to hubby's arm is not a gesture of emotional support or something, its a gesture of  support ; litreally .
  

This is not to say that this gesture doesen't mean anything . It do  but when such actions are driven by genuine love, admiration and dependebility then it will be very pure . The vibes won't make you feel bad  about yourself .  Its hard to explain the diffrence . you will know it when you will see it . I have seen  both and from compelte strangers . there is a hell  lot of diffrence . 

Same goes for rest of the examples also . you are seeing wordl filtered through the lense of  your biases . there is always another dimension . Often times when chips are down we don't bother to look for alternate explanation of events . We run with first thing that comes to our mind . sadly its in those un explored dimenstion that truth reside .Explore them ..look for alternate explanation .Truth shall set you free from truma of comparision.

# 4 Join A Gym - Excercise is just one part of it 

For years I resisted any suggestion of joining gym and doing workout . Mere thought of getting out of bed and doing those funny things to yourself was a horror. Result ?  I had a body which was rapidly turning in to a SCUD ( solid Cylinder of Uniform Diameter) and a stamina which was not worth mentioning . not a good thing for someone with the ambition of dating Sania Mirza .  So Sometime back i joined a gym in my office building .  It was very hard initially  I felt pain in those part of my body which i didn't even know I had . Talk of self awareness !

But one unintended influence of going to gym was the people I meet there  .  I meet a middle age housewife working in a software company .Mother of a 4 year old kid . She told me that She do gym not because she aspire to be a slim "in shape" chick  but becuase it keeps her mind  fresh  and clear the stress . One shower after an hour of workout and She feel stress free . In the absense of regular excercising she becomes edgy and restless .  Her husband is so happy from the change that he makes tea for her in morning so that she can do gym.  

I meet a group of 4 guys of  my age.Listening to their conversation in shower room is like daily dose of laughter challenge . they told me that they come an hour early to office so that they can have fun in gym . otherwise its boring life in office .

what you see here ? these are people who don't let things happen to them .when they see some thing wrong with their life they take action to fix it . scope of their action might be limited to their life only but still we can learn from them . They don't drift through life . this is the type of people you need to interact with  when you are alone . so that you don't resging your self to fate . BTW I've started wearing my body hugging T shirt again and it don't feel that odd  . : ) 

# 5 Call your parents  more often : 

Your parents can sense your trouble from miles away .  even on phone . they can tell something is wrong . so you think you can save them from trouble by avoiding to call them . they will still sense it . so best bet is be regular ..more regular in calling them and based on your comfort level discuss what you are going through. they are one of those very few people in world  who won't judge you no matter what . so be  little more open to them . I don't know why it helps but it helps . Of Course their is a sideeffect that you will have to field the Questions about getting married but I believe you can handel it . 

#6 Go Ahead Talk to "that" Girl /Boy  

This is a bit  risky but worth trying . You don't really know this person.  you see them once in a while ..around you but have no direct communication link . there is something about them there personality , mannerism , their eyes ,their look , their aura  or something inexplicable .  complicated  protocol of social formality dictates that you shouldn't  venture to talk to them . unless you mask it under  some stupid  "friend" stuff.  I strongly advice that if you think that talking to this person will be helpful than go ahead do it . Most people respect your honestly  If your intentions are clear  . its risky because 

A) Most of the time this occurs with the person of opposite sex so often times we confuse it with Crush or something .As I will explain in next point that its anything but crush . 

B) You can get rejected or humilated if the person whom you talked to turns out to be shallow or uncommunicative .

If you get humiliated or something than please be easy on your self and other person . see there are so many folks around us who play the victim card to get sympathy . it may be the case that person you are approching has been tricked before on such things . HE/She has good reason to avoid you . Eveyone has got their own history and their own cross to carry .

But my Life's experience tell me that people are more nice than society allow them to be . Since each one of  us has gone through this phase at one time or another so most of the time they try to be help.Its a risk nevertheless but a risk worth taking . I talked to someone about my problem once  .Someone whom I didn't knew much . I was lucky than She didn't turned out to be a jerk . Did it helped ? You bet . 

#7 Remember Relatioship is  not a  cure of  Lonesomeness  

You are going through this period of extended solitude and someone who is your well wisher suggest that "why don't you start seeing someone ?" .Its more likely if you are suffering a breakup . suddenly you will see a whole army of friends trying to set you up with another friend of theirs (who in all pobability is also suffering  from same problem) .you are so distressed that  a slightest  of comfort will seems like a Manna in dessert. you will fall for it . and agree to meet . you will tell yourself ..after all its just a meeting . 

This is a Trap , turn back and RUN ..Run for your fucking life or else  few months down the line you will wreck two more lives  . one of those will be yours . This is one point where I am not speaking from my own experience . But  I have seen it happening from sideline. I have seen it  way too many times that i think its true . Why this happen ? because the foundation of that realtionship was pain . it was never meant to last . Its like dating your dentist . you can only have 32 trips on the pretext of your "Problem" . if you want the relationship to last beyond that than it better have some thing more real and more robust . Sadly this is not true for most of the cases.  

# 8 Learn to be comfortable with your self 

Being Alone force you to be in the company of one person who matter most in your life  YOU .  We feel bad because we don't really know this person or we have forgotten whatever little familarity we had . whats left is a chaotic mix of your friends and family's opinion . without rhyme or reason . Take this time to sort it out . Take this time to be friends again . Its not some freudian crap i am talking about  its your life which is being dicussed .  As I don't know you so i can't suggest what you should do specifically . but i can tell what I did so that you can get a general  idea .  

Once i resolved to fight back , I  realized that only thing i have on my side is time . I started using it for good . started spending time on my self .  All the while i knew some of my prsonality issues .aggression , too much analysis , too mcuh involvment ,  too much spending , etc etc . I always wanted to work on them and improve them but never did. with nothing else to do i started focusing on these aspects of my persona .  Initial result are very encouraging. You will be surprised to see what you are capable of . It require a lot of disciplain initially but soon it becomes a routine . Today I wake up early (5:30) read a book for an hour, walk for 10 -15 minute. every weekend I do my own laundry  .I have actually started saving . all this was stuff of dream few months back .

 I am nowhere near my goal . I am nowhere close to attaining my residual self image. there is a long road ahead .whatever I have achieved till now are my private personal accomplishments.I am sure their will more acid tests down the line .It will be hard  but for the first time in many years I want to give it a good fight . for the first time in many year i am starting  to believe . I doubt if any of that would have happen without the opprtunity of self reflection offered to me in the disguise of solitude . 

# 9 Work on your interest : 

You are single , you have a 5 day work week , you have some money to spare . you might as well  use it on doing all the stuff which makes little sense to do but which you always wanted to do . Travel  to little known places , Read those obscure book you heard about , buy yourself a set of lego bricks,Indulge in Window Shopping  .kind of  stuff which is generally associated with  kids or old people . They do it due to lack of other option and its unlikely that they wil be able to alter their life in any siginifcant way by doing that . but you are still young you can use the learning for your own good . 

In last 06 months or so i have traveled a bit . read some weird books like simulacra and simulation , tried my hand at lego bricks .I learned to paly opening chord of "Ajeeb dastan hai ye" on aryan's synthesizer .  I am proud of every single second of doing that . find your own muse and you will be happy too . [ By the way Making model with lego bricks turned dout to be  more difficult than I imagine  . other good thing about having lego blocks in your  apartment is that you have some bright colored thing around .  ] 

#10 Fix your dinner your self

 I Love cooking  so I am biased on this one .It may or may not be usefull for you to same extent . But it won't do much harm either . I learned to cook three chicken dish , i can make a brittish breakfast of pan cakes and many such stuff . How i did that ? By putting my laptop on refrigerator in my kitchen , searching google recipie , watching  youtube video of cookery  demonstration. while listening to some song using winamp . It  was Fun ! Try it . 

By any standard I am still a loner and I have a long way to go . But it hurts me a little less now and I am fighitng it . I dare say that now there is some fun in this .I write this so that you can also look at it in same way . I hope that these rants are usefull for you . 

Thanks For reading a Loooooong Post .