Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Accepting you for What you are

We grew up on stories  about fight of  Good Vs Evil. There is a good guy , there is a bad guy ,somewhere in the story they collide ,Good Guy fights the bad guy and good guy always win. Right ?  I guess so . For the most part we tend to base our code of conduct from these folklores .  Problem with  these stories are that BAD guys in these story always know that they are BAD. From Captain Hook in Peter Pan to Joker in BatMan ,From  Dragon who Gaurd the Princess in  Mario to Agent Smith  In Matrix Trilogy.All those SATAN worshiper , Saber toothed  evil souls with a Dark cloak floating behined them  were convinced of their evilness and they were proud of it . In every case distinction bitween Good and evil was presented to us by narrator. Ergo .. Good guy's Job was very simple .He was never  in two mind about what he is supposed to do . He is supposed to Kill them. Most of them killed the bad guy on their own but some of them took help from Bunch of Monkeys living in hills . But they killed them anyway . 

Real life is little more complicated than that . Often time its hard to decide what is Wrong and what is Right. Often time people doing wrong are not doing it intentionally . they genuinly belive that their actions are justfied . Your selfish relatives, your cheating friends , your mean neighbors, Person who belive that Women are not equal to men , Person who think that people who are not from IIT-IIM are not cut out to be CEO,  Person peeing on street and  spitting on pavement ,  who Jumped the Red Light and nearly killed you in process , the person  who speak rudely to you in office without provocation, the girl who blame every thing on Gender bias of society, Spouse who exploit emotional dependecy of their partner, Boss Who Steal you ideas.List is endless . But  if you examine their action in their shoes and  look at their thought process you will see they have very rationale explanation for what they do . They have been shaped by their environment in to becoming who they are . Often time that make some of us forgive them or put up with their abuse . We think " HE is like that only  and HE can't change " . Most of the time thats a Good way to look at the problem. For changing someone's thought process is a Herculean enterprise and since One got to pick his battle very carefully so  most of us often Avoid or Ignore such trespassing in public , professional or political context .  But what about such conduct in other sphere of life . 

 Unspoken truth is that  this tendency often hurts us most in our personal Life . What to do if this transgression is being done by your best friend who take you for granted, by your wife who is rude , by your boy friend who is not sesitive enough.somewhere you know that they know that they are wrong and they are taking undue advantage of you but you want them to realize that on their own . But its not working out.. you have waited for long and you are wondering that  at what point you should stop discounting their ignorance and  say Intentionally or unintentionally You ARE Hurting Me  and this is not acceptable to me " . Most of us  say it too late  and most of us regret saying it .

Putting your foot down is essentially like renegotiating the power balance in a relationship . Most of people won't gonna enjoy this . They  are in habbit of  dealing with you in a certain manner , new equations alter that. it breaks their habbit . Older the habbit, bigger the inertia and resistance  and More the Transition pain. I  have gone through this drill several time in life . its ugly . But when you are in the middle of that Transition you are sure to get  one response with unfailing consistency. At some point , other party will say   " I am like this only .Accept me for what I am " . This is a VERY potent argument  for the simple reason that it generate a conflict within us . Since we love these people ( that's why we are negotiating  and not walking away from deal  altogether ) and they are asking us to respect their Individuality ( and Deep down you are asking for the same . Respect for you as an Individual )  Most of us fall for this . And are often stuck in a sub optimal life . In our time  demanding "Accept me for what I am "  has became something like  a carte Blanche for irrationality and whimsical nature. God Forbid if other party has read Steve Jobs Biography . They will think its the price you have to pay to be in company of Genius. These people make me puke , seriously,  the whole god forsaken bunch of them .

Let put his in Black and White . Your ignorance is not an alibi for the damage you do to people . Not being  able to see other person's view point is  fine but Not being willing to see it is EVIL . Periodic  self examination is  a necessary  condition for being Good . anyone who  refuse to do that is one step short of being evil . 

So what you do when some idiot throw this on you.  "Accept me for what I am " .  Before You Accept other person ( and pay the price ) Look inside and Ask yourself " Who You Are and  Does that person Respect that "    " What You Wanna to be ? Does this person think you can ? Will this person wants you to get there  or [more importantly ] will he be an obstacle in reaching there" , " Do you Admire them for their qualities  or  You are afraid of Lonesomeness & uncertainty ensuing if you part ways" . HONEST answers  to these question will help you clear your head .  once you have done that  "Don't  ask for Apology or Hope of reform .Remind your self that your Happiness is as important as him and  Tell him to FUCK OFF" . Trust Me You Won't Regret it . 

I will be doing it more often in 2012 . Thats my ( one of many ) Resolution for the year. 

Pic Credit : Hugh from Gapingvoid.