Musing at 1 :44 AM with Coke & Smoke

Its 1:44 AM IST and I just came back after my fifth Cigarette tonight . with 6 Cigarette left in the pack .It is very much likely that i will have few more in next few hours . Rather, I am damn sure that none of the remaining Tobacco sticks will see the light of the day.And I will have to buy a new pack when the tea shop opens in wee hours of morning .

Thankfully I have got two Coke bottles in refrigerator and the glass i use is very small and i am lazy enough not to go to refrigerator frequently for a refill. So i guess my coke will survive . Great !!! I have one less thing to worry about .

The Truth is that i know deep within that all this Smoke & Coke is not going to help in easing out the tension and restlessness . It will take its own course and die its own death . Strangely, sometimes I feel that I can be a good test case for Psychologist ,for I am an enthusiastic , positive thinking + energetic Guy only when i run out of all other options .

I fight when i have my back against the wall . I look up when i fall flat on my back. I fight back when i have nothing to loose or when i have lost everything . I win (at least till now ) when Wining and loosing has lost all worldly meaning to me and turn in to a battle inside . Sadly or happily, i never felt too Light/Enlightened on the biggest accomplishments in my life. what i feel is a strange sort of smouldering, something akin to feeling that its not the victory which you want to achive. What i want to win over is that urge ,which makes that victory important . I want to win over that external dependency to win every time to reassure myself or others when i know that deep down nobody gives a damn .

Before you become choked with sympathy and begin to think of me as a pshyco, badly in need of counselling . let me tell you that i am a perfectly healthy and normal guy . in fact ppl around me find me funny too . Some of them come to me for guidance in the hour of great emotional distress & financial difficulty .But in both of the cases they never care to pay back :).

One of my female colleague used to call me Budhha (The Prophet) and my brother call me Buddha :) .But i am still not able to figure out why i am like that . Tonight i am trying to make yet another attempt to figure that out .


Solitude and Solitaire :

“The love of heaven makes one heavenly.” -- William Shakespeare


"We all Die . The Goal isn't to Live forever ,The Goal is to create something that will "-Anonymous

I seriously feel that creating something World Class require us to alienate from the world . Entrepreneurs are ambitious by the rule, and aspiring entrepreneur are more so .They are somewhat more insecure and confused than the guy who has taken the plunge . but an entrepreneur's objective is different from a regular "Ambition".They don't conform to the stereo-type . they are not in to RAT race where Ambition is pretty antagonistic. Ambition is the drive to assert self-legitimized superiority over one's peers.

Who's raising their hand the highest in third grade? Who's going to have the best wardrobe in middle school? Who's the first to get laid ? Get into IIT ? Get the highest paying job?

They don't identify with their peers and This brings a loneliness . I am sometimes annoyed and upset by this solitude . Tonight seems to be one such night .

Solitaire is a Precious & Lovely Diamond but it is always the only one in necklace . This is it's boon, this is it's curse .


Victory and Reward :

"Business is like pinball. The reward for doing it well is the opportunity to do it again." : -Anonymous(often Attributed to Bill G)

Entrepreneurs have potential to achieve great victories and to suffer serious defeats. They take great risks but are able to gain tremendous rewards. Most people choose the middle route for their whole lives: working for someone else and gaining "security" with a regular paycheck, benefits, etc. They often know neither great victory nor bitter defeat. I have not yet ventured out as an entrepreneur. I need to learn some more and start out small in God's timing. But I hope that someday I will join the ranks of these "producers who strike out on their own, who know high highs and low lows, great devotions, and who overextend themselves for worthwhile causes." my true motive is to fulfill the calling that God has placed on my life. How will I specifically do this through having my own business? i know i will never know until i go out and give it a shot .

The journey is the reward .

I am still very confused . this uncertainty is something i hate . will this one last fight of having my venture up and running and Profitable free me from this urge of having to take the next battle . will this achievement give a final reassurance . I won't know till i explore .

Once again i am flat on my back and i have my back against wall .It's time to fight again . one more time . hopefully this will give me something permanent . Amen!

Photo Courtesy Mr. Ankur Sardana (Found it at his Flickr Stream , Haven't taken his permission yet to publish it here) .Find more of his flickr Pics . here