As a little boy living up in a small city in Rajasthan I grew up in a blissful ignorance . Life was simple . I used to go to scholl, read two -three news papers everyday after lunch and used to play some street games after finishing my homework.
I was kinda shielded from all the cognitive overload children face today .I didn't have to go to tuitions,hobby classes,English speaking class or some other crap like that . I used to read what I like . Ours is not a family of great scholars like the one you find in Calcutta ,not by any stretch of imagination. But three of my Bhua( My Dad's sister) were doing their Graduation and post graduation in Hindi and Social science . My mother has an Masters Degree in Hindi. I inherited my taste in reading from her. so i was somewhat familiar with the Hindi literature .
we had an old store room on second floor of our house where there was a BIG stack of books .On weekends,specially on summer weekends when there was no electricity I used to go to that old room (when everyone else used to be asleep) and used to read some stuff . One of my fave book was a book about Gautam Buddha . Not a religious scripture or something but just a story in great details of his life . I was fascinated by the life of Gautam Buddha . I didn't understood it completely but I was hooked . later on I also read some poems about Yashodhara , written by Maithali sharan Gupt. Yashodhara was Siddharth's Wife . Thanks to my govt school education and understanding of hindi I was able to enjoy it very very much . (thankfully few of them are also available online for free .you can read it Here Here & Here ) .
Anyways, back to Gautam Buddha . I am sure each one of you know the story . I was fascinated by the tale and wanted to do something like that . But irony of life ....I was never able to leave home in search of truth . I seriously thought of doing that more than few times in my life . but I never took any concrete action . I was afraid of dark, didn't had much pocket money , and hell I was not married to a pretty lady like Yahsodhara at the age of 16 and other stupid rationalization like that.But I was firm determined that some day I will go on the voyage of my life .
Biggest rationalization of all was that even Siddharth set out on this journey at the age of 29.
I was only 13 -14 year of age. I thought ,I still have time .I started using this time for various activity like hunting for dates, trying to study , planing trips , juggling various identities forced upon me and ofcourse reading and writing blog.
But every now and than , whenever I saw the futility and worthlessness of my existence , whenever I have to face the fact that I am not doing anything which would make "a dent in universe " . I used too tell myself "Hey !! at my age it was same for Gautam Buddha" .
But not anymore . I will turn 30 this month . :)
I love to believe that I have seen a lot in life . but it seems that "a lot " by my standards is not enough . I have seen suffering , I have seen hope, I have seen mirth , I have seen depression , I have seen action. I have seen innocence , I have seen perverted minds, have seen self sufficiency of accomplishment , I have seen our need to celebrate by sharing .But still I haven't achieved the critical mass to break free and set out on a voyage in search of truth . I wonder if I will ever be able to do that.
What is it that I lack and Siddharth possessed which gave him the courage to make a difference ? was he destined to do what he did ? i don't think so . i am religious but not a big believer in the theory that everything is planed and we are just puppets .
What do you think ?? Please share your views with me . I was thinking about it for quiet some time and i hit upon a somewhat different explanation for this . i am refining it right now . will be sharing them in next post. till than please tell your thoughts
To be continued............